Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
