in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
