I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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