He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
