At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize