I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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