yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
