In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize