I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
