I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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