that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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