dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why do cheetos always look like penises
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
