moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
