and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
