5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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