my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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