I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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