We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
