Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
