Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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