she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
