just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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