Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
