I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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