I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Still dying that you shit outside
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
