So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
