She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
