her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
