I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
