I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
