??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Found the puke drawer
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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