Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
