Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
