I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
