took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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