help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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