in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
