I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
