I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize