Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
