i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
