i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
