I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
MIDGETS
????
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
