If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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