I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
