oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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