Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
