Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
