Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
