So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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