Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
