i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
