my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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