I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize