that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Damn victory sex feels great
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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