i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
