I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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