Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
