Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
