It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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