i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
