Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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