i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
