I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
