Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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