I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
